Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
