if you like me you must not know who I am
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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