you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
