What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
