Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
