If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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