I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
