Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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