I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dicks are not precious.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
