You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
