I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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