Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
