New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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