So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
