I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
