can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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