He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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