On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
