if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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