the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
