I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize