super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
