So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My vagina just recognized that song.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
