I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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