can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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