would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
