i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
