K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
