wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize