I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
