It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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