Soap is not a condiment
its not stalking. its research.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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