Betty ford says i'm here all night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
