Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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