I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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