The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
