is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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