The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
do nipples grow back?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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