I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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