Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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