How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
