She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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