The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
