I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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