why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
