Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
