I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
