just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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