My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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