i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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