ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize