Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
