you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
