i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My balls are so social today.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
