Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize