And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize