My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
