i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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