My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
