Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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