The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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