He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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