I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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