I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
