Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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